The Third Stanza of “This Be the Verse” by Shrinks and Wise Folks. An Example of How Parenthood Will Unleashed

It’s not hard to see how difficult it is for members of my generations to decide whether or not to become a parent. The fertility rate in the U.S. plunged to new lows. It is possible that people forwent child rearing entirely as a result of a delay in having children and a decline in the number of children. It seems increasingly likely that the rate of childlessness for the young generation will be the highest in American history.

I wondered how much I had heard of the lines or read a version of them. The poem “ThisBe the Verse” is an example of a favorite of fictional shrinks and wise folk. I can say the words by heart. But it was only last year, my stomach already stretching with new life, that I reread the poem and found myself focusing on the third stanza, which offers the logical conclusion of the earlier two:

Why aren’t Parents Have Kids? A New Parenting Standard for the 21st Century and Its Relevance for Families and Careers

There are many plausible reasons for the trend. People aren’t having kids because it’s too expensive. They can’t find the right partner so they aren’t having kids. They’re not having kids because they want to prioritize their careers, because of climate change, because the idea of bringing a child onto this broken planet is too depressing. They’re swearing off parenthood because of the overturning of Roe v. Wade or because they’re perennially commitmentphobic or because popular culture has made motherhood seem so daunting, its burdens so deeply unpleasant, that you have to have a touch of masochism to even consider it. Maybe women, in particular, are having fewer children simply because they can.

I think there is some truth in all of the explanations. But I think there’s another reason, too, one that’s often been overlooked. Over the past few decades, Americans have redefined “harm,” “abuse,” “neglect” and “trauma,” expanding those categories to include emotional and relational struggles that were previously considered unavoidable parts of life. Adult children seem increasingly likely to publicly, even righteously, cut off contact with a parent, sometimes citing emotional, physical or sexual abuse they experienced in childhood and sometimes things like clashing values, parental toxicity or feeling misunderstood or unsupported.

A new standard for parenting has arisen from this cultural shift. Not only must parents provide shelter, food, safety and love, but we, their children, also expect them to get us started on successful careers and even to hold themselves accountable for our mental health and happiness well into our adult years.